Having a random hookup so left but love u
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
