he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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