Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
