I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
