i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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