u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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