dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
