He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
