Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
