I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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