Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
