it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
