Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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