i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
