After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
