Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
