Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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