HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
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