Swine flu. Run for my life!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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