he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
