I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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