Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
