I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
