I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Randomize
