I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
