I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
