"it" just moved
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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