So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
