Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
