I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
