I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
