now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
