they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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