Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
