I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think I won the penis lottery.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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