I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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