I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
