U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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