Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
