if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
