i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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