How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
