clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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