Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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