dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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