i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
