Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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