i love accidental penises.
My balls are so social today.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
