..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
