Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
