"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
