I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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