Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the day after is always just damage control
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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